Painting Angels.

Hoquiam: zombies of the sea

2010-09-17T12:02:00.000-05:00

Bird Down

2010-02-16T18:59:00.003-06:00

Bird Down

On the couch I fold my hands
Francis tries to understand
these awful secrets spilling out
into the room with all the lamps.

In the corner there he stands
(but no one else can see him)
daring me to break my hands
so no one else can hold them.

I can't kill that bird now
The one that got away.
I can't kiss that star now
The one there in the gray.

A leaf untangled in the breeze
spoke seven words of warning
"Watch your back the clouds will fall"
My darling died that morning.

Time winds down and she stands up
as I begin to cry.
Tissues fight the dead in here
but she says I'll be fine.

I can't kill that bird now
The one that got away.
I can't kiss that star now
The one here in the gray.

©2010 Serena Matthews

Gone

2010-02-09T15:09:00.000-06:00

I'm over here now.

Sarah, stay.

2010-01-07T16:54:00.003-06:00

Sarah sighs,
she doesn't know
which way to go
she's broke-down cold

She'd like to know
whose hand to hold
which game to fold
It all gets old

A sparrow sings
clutched to a tree
like death gone down
on bended knee

Black cat cries
from down below,
"Babe, please don't go."
He's cold.
She knows.

Sarah bows
and courtseys to
the Ones who know
the things she'll do

She takes her cues
from words of blue
which damn her heart
like thorns in shoes

She drinks the sky
lone snow-white clouds
and birds of gray
They calm her down.

She tips her toes
the tightrope floats
above the night
below the cold

3 long minutes
in the sun
Then Sarah smiles
she's come undone

Black cat whispers,
"Sarah, stay."

But just like that...
She runs away.

blue branches

2009-12-01T15:45:00.001-06:00

Pale yellow house in the crook of the sea
sand in the yard and a creaking blue tree
she stares into dusklight and whispers a song
"Why baby why baby where'd we go wrong?"

An elf on her shoulder was jaded by Christmas
he cheated the system and burned down the wishlist
he's comforted now as she sings the same song
over and over and over till dawn

A bird on the front porch betrayed by the sky
weeps like an angel damned down by the Light
one wing broken lifeless, now never she'll fly
she daydreams in darkness pretending to die

One night long ago two young lovers were ended
as one of them jumped from the bridge of existence
the other, left cold and alone by the sea now
sings "Why baby why baby where'd we go wrong?"

She climbs up the tree then she swings from the branches
black curls and white stockings sway madly while crashing
down into the sand with stark thoughts of love thrashing
she closes her eyes now while blue lips keep asking

"Why baby why baby where'd we go wrong?"

say me

2009-12-01T15:43:00.002-06:00

take this piece of paper, dear
and eat it like it's snow
careful how you swallow though
the words might stain your soul

wish me down the river there
then fish out all my bones
your fire can't wash this fury now
it's burning down your throne

Believe in me like Moses would
and place your hands below
the shelf which holds my stories
then shake loose the ones you wrote

I've sighed out all the sonnets now
the breath inside me's gone
Our kiss lives unexisting in
a castle cursed by wrongs

A Walk and a Stare

2009-11-02T09:25:00.001-06:00

A Walk and a Stare
Originally uploaded by serenamatthews

And then there was wonder..

2009-09-16T07:43:00.002-05:00

Originally uploaded by Sarah-Jane

this teardrop

2009-09-03T19:12:00.000-05:00

fragile is this teardrop
don't underestimate the strength
of a bad mood

midnight train to hell
makes one last stop
but I shut the door
and eat my ticket

because the ride to nowhere
might still be lonely
and this somewhere
has stars

5-22-09
©2009 serena matthews

secrets

2009-09-03T18:50:00.001-05:00

I tip toe into night now
as one tree stands beside me
this hatchet warms my shaking hand
while cornstalks crackle slightly

the crow sings madly, squawking
as I chop these branches down
The cold moon sees my secrets
as she hangs there upside down

and never,
in the madness ...
does she dare
to make a sound.

©2009 Serena Matthews

6-26-09

snow.flakes

2009-09-03T18:44:00.001-05:00

unspeakably broken.
downward, she rolls

her secrets can't hide what
the night always knows

she's looking for signs but
she knows they're not there

and won't ever be there..
no, not... not for HER.

she's building some wings now
from old paper dolls

They claim they can't dance
but she MUST take ONE chance!

Looking straight down now
... deep into cold fire ...

She makes up her mind and
.... steps onto the wire ....

The sky feels so angry
and she has gone blue

her eyes turn to snowflakes.

then
rain
down
on
...YOU...

©2009 Serena Matthews
7-21-09

doctors in the attic

2009-09-03T18:43:00.001-05:00

tiny little fix-me pills
I think that I will hide you
underneath the sofa, hmmm
I scratch myself a hole.

I grab a few straight days worth
and bury them beneath
the floorboards in the corner
so that I may find some peace.

hey twisted little spider
why'd you leave so fast?
you gave me such a struggle
we tried so not to gasp

sweet stars, I see the angels
dancing up above
looking down at me as they
put on their boxing gloves

Pounding on the clouds now
they send me down some rain
I thank them with a lazy bow
then break my daisy chain

doctors in the attic
they whisper down to me
dont' be frightened, we won't hurt
give in, we'll set you free

a nightmare sits unfolding
into my shaking hands
I wish that I could kill it
before it understands.

©2009 Serena Matthew
7-22-09

Cinderella's Got Nothin' on Me

2009-09-03T18:41:00.001-05:00

in this old haunted house one strange night
an awful noise filled me with fright
from the back yard beneath the old shed
shades of dread filled my pale worried head

found the bones deep in box #2
wrapped in lace with an old pair of shoes
the arms were both painted in blue
and the whole thing reeked madly of you

a feather fell down from the trees
then collapsing, I dropped to my knees
while the north wind she kissed my cold face
your old scarecrow stood boldly in place

if the sky should crack open and die
would I feel it without knowing why?
would the seaweed creep into my veins
and strangle the life from this game?

cinderella's got nothing on me
prince charming ran off with the beast
she poisoned him slightly enough
filled his heart with red ashes and lust

it's a shame that we ended up here
lost like buzzards in whirlpools of fear
the bones have gone cold like cheap gold
and I long for the rainbows she stole

©2009 Serena Matthews

don't tell me I'm mad

2009-09-03T18:39:00.003-05:00

fear.. like jelly, all over my face
dreams like the car lights
that promised to chase me
I'll run down the hill and fall into the lake
then I'll float like the mermaids
who dare to erase me

i hate you, dear doctor for saying I'm mad
I hate you, dear angels for making me sad
your wings make me jealous
they tempt me like butter
and in this harsh silence I try not to shudder

If I were an angel I'd swing there till dawn
on the edge of the moon like a bonnet gone wrong
if I had a lover I'd wrap him in stars
and throw him downstairs, lock him up in a jar

like fireflies at dusk.. twisting circles through time
and heartbeats of frogs kissing maidens in bogs
I wander through hell making notes on the wall
i wish I could leave here and fly, and not fall.

©2009 Serena Matthews

she broke glasses

2009-09-03T18:39:00.001-05:00

dear angels she sees you, she's watching
please tell her you're staring back too
through windows of dew like molasses
and seas of the darkest gray blue

mary was sad and broke glasses
when the faces outside could not see
she tasted red wine in deep sadness
and longed to hang down from your tree

if kisses could heal what she'd witnessed
she'd marry those men one by one
until they all flew from her sickness
and left her for dead with no gun

no kisses nor sweetheart's embraces
could fix all her fears that grew wildly
like rats in a meadow of faces
eating the keys to God's graces

knees in the dark

2009-09-03T18:38:00.001-05:00

I am cold. You are there.
I foolishly have considered
raising up my lonely hands
and inviting you down here
where the black birds fall

they dance around like roses
trembling madly in the midnight breeze
and never do they tease me
as I groan here on my bended knees
while fighting so to barely breathe

I dare the skies to rescue me.
© 2009 Serena Matthews

cold like dead daisies

2009-09-03T18:33:00.002-05:00

high on the shelf here they're cold like dead daisies.
misunderstandings and daydreams now fading
I'm walking through oceans that never existed
with shadows down hallways that dare me to chase them

noises like clocks and blue lizards and angels
they keep me awake and they do not feel guilty
for they are just drones in the circle of being
and I'm like bad candy which never gets eaten

Death of a Moon

2009-09-01T11:33:00.003-05:00

After Midnight
Originally uploaded by serenamatthews

if I stumble you must forgive me
the road has not kissed kindly
the feet which hold me up here
and thoughts which push me down

and you

you are too much of a mystery
for my eyes to see clearly
hands that wish to touch you
just the way that I can feel you

red apples and black velvet
drape the table, fill my basket
take the knife and spread the honey
start the chasing don't stop running

door flings open, caskets falling
to the sea, sweet raindrops calling
I can't taste the way your heart cries
but I can feel the way this moon dies

Words and Photography ©2009 Serena Matthews

Tightrope

2009-09-01T11:25:00.003-05:00

Tightrope
Originally uploaded by serenamatthews

The Keepers

2009-09-01T08:45:00.001-05:00

The Keepers
Originally uploaded by serenamatthews

Evergreen Cemetery. Murfreesboro, TN.

They might look fake, but the crows are real.. and they were genuinely there, I promise. There were about 8 of them, actually.. and a few squirrels too.. They were all quite friendly, for graveyard folk. To begin with, these guys were on separate tombstones, then the right one jumped over to the left one, and I almost fell over with delight... snapping images like a crazy woman, completely enchanted with the morning..

dreaming in color

2009-09-01T08:25:00.005-05:00

I dream in color and I know this because I can usually remember very vivid yellows and blues and reds.. i can't imagine anyone dreaming in black and white... In fact, my dears..I doubt it happens.

© Serena Matthews

Going Home

2009-08-31T15:50:00.002-05:00

I was amazed when I saw this on my way home from Byrdstown last week. I still am, honestly. What a darling sky.

Going Home
Originally uploaded by serenamatthews

Emilie Simon

2009-08-30T22:27:00.003-05:00

Strawberry Bones

2009-08-30T18:43:00.000-05:00

Don't breathe

2009-08-30T15:58:00.003-05:00

Don't breathe
Originally uploaded by moggierocket

Oh.

2009-08-30T15:43:00.003-05:00

Oh
Originally uploaded by moggierocket

Found.

2009-08-30T13:23:00.004-05:00

mother / daughter
Originally uploaded by Lee Otis

Found.

2009-08-30T11:55:00.004-05:00

New Favorite Portrait
Originally uploaded by Pomegranacat

In a landslide... I can hear you walk away

2009-08-25T03:10:00.005-05:00

Saturday Morning Fog

2009-08-24T21:40:00.005-05:00

I close my eyes and disappear into this place for awhile.
leaves crackling.. birds silent.. winds are still and I am breathing.

Saturday Morning Fog
By: LowerDarnley

He flew away..

2009-08-24T20:18:00.001-05:00

W. Eugene Smith

2009-08-24T07:50:00.003-05:00

"Country Doctor Ernest Ceriani
Making House Call on Foot in Small Town"

by W. Eugene Smith

The Stanley Hotel

2009-08-23T11:59:00.008-05:00

Probably the most haunted hotel in the entire world..
with a possible secret portal to another dimension.

I'd never stay here... except when I might.

rain again

2009-08-23T09:37:00.002-05:00

[Visit projectatom for more of the beautiful things in life.]

take the knife & spread the honey

2009-08-23T01:04:00.003-05:00

My Manic and I

2009-08-23T00:26:00.005-05:00

He wants to die in a lake in Geneva,
The mountains can cover the shape of his nose.
He wants to die where nobody can see him,
But the beauty of his death will carry on so
I don't believe him

He greets me with kisses when good days deceive him
And sometimes we're scorned and sometimes I believe him.
And sometimes I'm convinced my friends think I am crazy,
Get scared and call him but he's usually hazy

At one in the morning the day is not ended
By two he is scared that sleep is no friend.
And by four he will drink but he cannot feel it,
Sleep will not come because sleep does not will it
And I don't believe him
Morning is mocking me

I'll wander the streets avoiding them eats
Til' the ring on my finger slips to the ground
A gift to the gutter, a gift to the city
The veins of which have broken me down.
And I don't believe him,
Morning is mocking me

Oh the gods that he believes, never fail to amaze me
He believes in the love of his god of all things,
But I find him wrapped up in all manner of sins
The drugs that deceive him and the girls that believe him
I can't control, you I don't know you well
These are the reasons I think that you're ill.
I can't contro,l you I don't know you well
These are the reasons I think that you're ill.

And since last that we parted, since last that i saw him
Down by a river silent and hardened
Morning was mocking us, blood hit the sky.
I was just happy my manic and I
He couldn't see me the sun was in his eyes
And birds were singing to calm us down
And birds were singing to calm us down

And I'm sorry young man I cannot be your friend
I don't believe in a fairy tale end
I don't keep my head up all of the time
I find it dull when my heart meets my mind.
And I hardly know you I think I can tell
These are the reasons I think that we're ill
I hardly know you I think I can tell
These are the reasons I think that I'm ill
And the gods that he believes never fail to disappoint me
The gods that he believes never fail to disappoint me
My nihilist, my happy man, my manic and I
Have no plans to move on
The birds are singing to calm us down
And birds are singing to calm us down

©Laura Marling

Laura Marling

2009-08-22T16:24:00.003-05:00

The American Way

2009-08-22T12:22:00.007-05:00

[click photo to view full sized image]

Famous image of African American flood victims lined up to get food & clothing fr. Red Cross relief station in front of billboard ironically extolling WORLD'S HIGHEST STANDARD OF LIVING/ THERE'S NO WAY LIKE THE AMERICAN WAY.

Location: Louisville, KY, US
Date taken: February 1937
Photographer: Margaret Bourke-White

Alone inside

2009-08-22T01:05:00.003-05:00

moon sees my secrets..

2009-08-21T00:00:00.002-05:00

I tip toe into night now
as one tree stands beside me
this hatchet warms my shaking hand
while cornstalks crackle slightly

the crow sings madly, squawking
as I chop these branches down
The cold moon sees my secrets
as she hangs there upside down

and never,
in the madness ...
does she dare
to make a sound.

©Serena Matthews 2009

Colorado Girl

2009-08-20T08:57:00.002-05:00

Devendra Banhart covering Townes Van Zandt

Trapeze

2009-08-18T21:07:00.001-05:00

Trapeze lyrics
(feat. Emmylou Harris)
©Patty Griffin

Little pink dress, hanging by her knees
Just overhead on the old trapeze
In the old tent tonight, spotlight going round
One of these nights the old girl's going down
Hallelujah, the old girl's going down

She started with us on the back of a horse
Just seventeen and already divorced
She took to the air with the greatest of ease
Like she was born to be gliding on the old trapeze

Some people don't care if they live or they die
Some people want to know what it feels like to fly
Gather their courage and they give it a try

Some guy broke her heart and how her heart it did ache
So she went to the tent of the lady of the snakes
Who gave her a potion and she drank it in
After that her heart never ached again
After that her heart never ached again

Some poeple don't care if they live or they die
Some people want to know what it feels like to fly
Gather their courage and they give it a try
Fall under the wheels of a time goin' by

Little pink dress, hanging by her knees
Just overhead on the old trapeze
In the old tent tonight, spotlight going round
One of these nights the old girl's going down
One of these nights the old girl's going down
One of these nights the old girl's going down
One of these nights the old girl's going down
Halle- Halle- Halle-
Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah
Hallelujah

George Silk

2009-08-18T10:40:00.001-05:00

"Road Sign Perforated by Shell Fragments Gives Mute Testiomony to the Bitter Struggle"

Between the Bars - Elliott Smith (lyrics plus video)

2009-08-18T09:22:00.003-05:00

Drink up baby, stay up all night
With the things you could do
You won't but you might
The potential you'll be that you'll never see
The promises you'll only make
Drink up with me now
And forget all about the pressure of days
Do what I say and I'll make you okay
And drive them away
The images stuck in your head

The people you've been before
That you don't want around anymore
That push and shove and won't bend to your will
I'll keep them still

Drink up baby, look at the stars
I'll kiss you again between the bars
Where I'm seeing you there with your hands in the air
Waiting to finally be caught
Drink up one more time and I'll make you mine
Keep you apart, deep in my heart
Separate from the rest, where I like you the best
And keep the things you forgot

The people you've been before
That you don't want around anymore
That push and shove and won't bend to your will
I'll keep them still

© Elliott Smith

While roses were drawn back like shotguns

2009-08-18T08:59:00.001-05:00

ten thousand ravens came knocking
knocking like thieves on my door
cold, i stared back like dead tree bark
glued to these old breaking floors

the maid she brought down a blue casket
then she lined it with mama's old quilt
while roses were drawn back like shotguns
draped softly here round my cold hips

strawberry pie in the oven sits
waiting for strangers to dream
as they lie on the back porch and whisper
while thunderstorms rattle the screens

he never could see deep inside me
there where the mockingbirds played
sweet little airplanes with feathers
chasing him down like the plague

I somehow can't seem to calm down now
where are the angels in white?
the dog down the street he is howling
and I have gone pale with this night

Mime Friend.

2009-08-05T07:06:00.002-05:00

Mime Friend.
Originally uploaded by stephanie eatherly

Dear Patty Griffin, I love you.

2009-07-24T08:50:00.001-05:00

last straw..camel dear.

2009-07-18T11:38:00.003-05:00

The Moon ferociously speaks
a thousand hallowed words to me
as I bow down my head respectfully
but curse the ground She shines on

If my breaths could stop from coming
aches and pains go'way now
I'd embrace the night that took me down;
made mystery stop running.

Waiting is the kind of dance
that I can't bear to drink.
it hurts too much to swallow down
the reasons I can't think.

Damning to the gates of hell
November skies that made me;
Rained me down in snowflakes
and clouded me with poetry

In shadows now I watch them
angels of the evening
breaking wings while tying strings
to mend the God that cursed me.

© 2009 Serena Matthews

Leipzig City Council deputy mayor Dr. Lisso's wife (in chair) & his daughter (on couch) wearing her gray Red Cross uniform, lying dead, after using cyanide w. him to commit suicide in his Town Hall office, as American soldiers enter the city at the end of WWII. (Photo by Margaret Bourke-White//Time Life Pictures/Getty Images)

Think Happy Thoughts, and You'll Fly

2009-07-05T08:39:00.006-05:00

Think Happy Thoughts, and You'll Fly
Originally uploaded by Chrissie White

Drive-by shooting

2009-06-16T11:04:00.002-05:00

Drive-by shooting
Originally uploaded by serenamatthews

Solitude

2009-06-16T11:03:00.002-05:00

I just want to be alone for a minute. Is that so bad?

Unknown Man

2009-06-04T14:28:00.002-05:00

In a ghost town somewhere in Nevada.. you'll find some sadness.

By Curtis Gregory Perry
http://www.flickr.com/photos/curtisperry/3594886108/

day 7

2009-05-07T18:37:00.000-05:00

This day almost broke me.

more blood tests tomorrow. not looking forward.

Day 4

2009-05-04T17:11:00.004-05:00

Today my hands are tingling and my palms hurt. It's Day 4. I'll really not say what that means.. I'm just trying to survive in this world.

I recorded these the other night in Nashville at the Basement.
Laura Gibson and Damien Jurado. Best show I've ever seen. Honestly.

destitute clowns

2009-04-23T15:31:00.002-05:00

unspeakable face
blue eyes into space
heart on the pavement
her hands on his waist

she can't find the words
stares wildly at birds
flying through clouds
so unfair how it hurts

scarecrow came knocking
hard kisses and rocking
he dared her to fly
and she did not defy

bold words tell pale stories
as cold hearts, unstable,
paint lines between spaces
and secrets in fables

broken smile hits the ground
as the maiden falls down
now she's dropped all her coins
down to destitute clowns

forever with my broken heart..

2009-04-21T10:53:00.001-05:00

"Angeles"
Elliott Smith

Amazing performance. Beautiful flawless flaws.

Swallow Down

2009-04-17T08:38:00.002-05:00

i cannot swallow these awful pills
and feel small then tall and whole
then roll and weep like an empty sheep
for the parts of me that are deemed by
the brainkeepers as just too twisted up
to keep.

kill it with a pill.

They insist that my demons
will suddenly flee.

drink it down. look around. am I me?
are you you?
are we through? did you see?
did you know? that I was me? did you know?

I knew that you were you and that
the rambling inconsistencies would break me soon.
but I never told you
I never told you that I was embarking upon new seas.
I never told you how I broke both of my knees
from praying down nightly to ask for a savior
that never did hear me and never did see you.

© 2009 Serena Matthews

Monsters in the Meadow

2009-03-27T13:27:00.002-05:00

I have walked too many miles in pretty shoes
on cracked roads that lead to nowhere

I have picked too many flowers
for the monsters in the meadow
who never say thank you

I have no time for sparrows.
Please lead me to the crow.
The one who pecks the road away
The one who lets me go.

©2009 Serena Matthews

Burning Down Trees

2009-03-27T13:24:00.004-05:00

They told me, don't dance with that shadow
he'll break you before it's too late
the rooster will steal your green apple away
damned angel won't give you his light

this path has gone twisted and barren
Grim Reaper is burning down trees
The Joker is scooping up ashes
He's making some sassafrass tea

I'm giving you signs left and right, dear.
I toss them round quietly, smiling
you'll find them when I have departed
tucked into the corners of night

©2009 Serena Matthews

Pill Box

2009-03-27T13:20:00.000-05:00

Pill box

Squeeze me into a pillbox
tape me up onto a kite
float me out to the bitter sea
and kindly, let me be.

Arms that won't stretch
are not useful
Smiles that don't listen
can't fix me.

A kiss from the darkness
might reach me
if I close these tired eyes
and unravel.

That embrace will be cold,
I won't feel it...
miles deep into effortless blue.

Rolling and tossing, still drinking
the poison that brought me to you.

Barren Fields and Tell-Tale Hearts

2009-02-24T12:35:00.002-06:00

The Haunting Music of Hoquiam
by: Serena Matthews
02-24-09

I hear things sometimes that move me. Sometimes -- and only once in a great while -- it’s music. I am constantly searching for that one perfect song. Aren’t we all? Like bored herds of cattle trapped inside a barren field of straw and waste, we search endlessly for that hidden blade of fresh, green grass. All we want is to have a new taste in our mouths. Do you know what I mean?

As a songwriter, I am aware of the fact that some of us try earnestly to write the perfect song. Also, as an avid music listener, I know very well that others of us just want to hear them.

This search is strangely haunting me in a way, but it’s certainly worth the walk. I’ve found many little treasures here and there along the way. Nick Drake is one example. Jeff Buckley is another. Patty Griffin hog-tied my broken heart and left me for dead when I first heard “Rain” in 2001. Lee Tyler Post painted my days a lovely shade of blue in the years that followed that one. Today, Jesse Sykes makes me feel wildly hollow inside myself, in this really fulfilling way. I can’t even talk about the way Trespassers William makes me feel. And now.. straight out of Seattle, I’ve found a new sound.

In early 2008, I stumbled across the music of Drake and Damien Jurado. You must already know Damien if you're in Seattle. He’s an indie folk hero of sorts. You might not know, however, that his brother, Drake, is a talented young filmmaker who is quickly making his own name recognizable in the visual arts world. My personal recommendation is to watch the “Montesano” video on YouTube. It’s a track from the Damien Jurado album, And Now That I’m in Your Shadow, which stars Drake Jurado himself, and the lovely Sarah Hansen.

The Jurado brothers have named their band Hoquiam. As Damien described recently while Hoquiam performed live at KEXP in Seattle, the name “Hoquiam” is a Native American term that actually means “hungry for wood.” . It’s also the name of the friendliest city in all of Washington, right? How's all that for an invitation?

The first time you hear their songs you might kind of say, “Hmmm… that’s interesting.” And then, probably out of habit, you might even move on to something else. But on another day you find that you have to listen again... and later you need to hear them once more. Suddenly, with only the slightest hint of a warning, you realize that you’re hooked on Hoquiam. These dark and moody little Jurado songs really feel quite good.

Anyone at all who knows me knows that I detest the fancy. I don’t like songs that are overdone with fake bells and whistles and that are camouflaged to pose as real music. I would venture to say that 95 percent of the crap you'll hear on mainstream radio today fits that example.

Me, I crave real music. Hoquiam’s “Madison”, was the song that first hooked me on their sound. It’s hard to find it anywhere on the internet now, but I can still hear it word for word in my head because it made such an unbelievable impression on me. I'm also a huge fan of the catchy “Wooden Teeth”, which might easily be the sexiest song I've heard in my lifetime. And then there's the beautiful “Hope Ocean”, which begins with a melancholy guitar rhythm and then freely floats away into a series of haunting lyrics that make me question why they were created in the first place. I frowned in concentration as I first heard the eerie words roll out of my speakers…

“You should have killed me at birth.”

Thankfully, however, the brothers are very much alive.

Currently, you can only find these songs on the internet. But there is soon to be an EP, and a full album release, and I hear that there are some surprises being cooked up to go along with the album. I personally can’t wait to find them.

If you’re one of the lucky folks living in Seattle, you can do yourself a favor and head out to hear Hoquiam live. In fact, you will be able to find them at Full Tilt Ice Cream in White Center on March 14th. And really, why would you miss that? Ice cream and the Jurado brothers… sounds like wicked fun to me.

Coamhim: A Potential Exit Speech. (An Interview by Serena Matthews)

2009-01-01T15:52:00.001-06:00

Through a friend of mine, some time ago, a year or so I guess.. I found the music of Coamhim. (Kevin Atwood).

It's like nothing you'll ever hear anywhere. That's hard to say and mean it, and I'm saying it right now, and meaning it. Truly. It's a sound unlike anything you'll ever hear anwhere else. If you know me at all, you know that I like that. I crave it, honestly.

After I did my first interview this year with Drake Jurado and Sarah Hansen, Drake told me that I should also interview Kevin Atwood, a.k.a. Coamhim. At first he didn't want to do the interview, as he is a very private person and well let's just face it, it's difficult to share certain things with a world that is so cold and unforgiving, and so judgementally predictable in its reactions. But he decided that he would answer my questions, and I can't thank him enough for being so candid with me.

I ask you not to be cold today. Don't turn your cold shoulder away just because you don't know what's on the other side of it. Warmer is nicer. Real is better.

Scratch away all the fake from even the greatest hit on the radio today and you won't even come close to any of the musical masterpieces that Kevin Atwood has created.

His answers have captivated me. Please see below:

Q. Tell me something you want your fans to know about you.

A. That I am, and probably will be for the remainder of my life, in an ever-fluctuating conflict as to whether or not my songs are "ok." By "ok" I do not mean the quality of the recordings or the musicianship or the genius or lack thereof of the lyrics, I mean I struggle to feel convinced that they are morally sound as far as the subject matter and lyrical content. I'll give you an example: Alot of my songs are based on personal experiences. I don't know if you've heard it, but I recorded a song called "Smokin' Crack With Rodney The Zombie" (Rodney wasn't actually a zombie). The song is an account of how I met this guy Rodney (who played the zombie at a seasonal haunted house I was employed at one Halloween) and ended up, as depicted in the climax of the song, smoking crack, for the first time in my life, with him. Other than strict and very questionable entertainment value, I don't really see what redeeming value a song like this has. I mean, the song basically glorifies smoking crack cocaine. I have had daymares pertaining to this song where I have achieved major success as a recording artist and performer, and I am performing this song for thousands of people all of whom are singing "Smoking crack... with Rodney the zombie!!!" and holding their crack pipes in the air with pride and out-of-control fervor.

Most of them in the dream are, of course, high school kids. When I was still smoking crack, I had a crackhead buddy that I recorded that song on a little pocket tape recorder for and gave it to her. The next time I saw her she was walking down the street with the tape recorder blasting Rodney The Zombie and singing "Smokin' crack... with me and my homies!!!" (she thought those were the lyrics). I'm just attempting to illustrate that, in a way, a song like that could be dangerous. I'm never going to be comfortable with it. At the beginning I say, in a real deep voice, "The following song is an excellent reason to graduate from high school." That's as if to say "Hey kids, one of the worst mistakes I've ever made was to put a crack pipe in my mouth, so don't do it EVER, but I'm about to show you how fun and exciting it can be." I guess all I'm saying in a really long-winded way is that I want my fans to know that I do not endorse nor recommend listening to my own music. God probably frowns on it. Seriously. Sorry my answer was so damn long.

Q. You're floating away in a ship. You're surrounded by empty waters, the sky is cloudy. The wind blows madly. It's darkness for miles and miles, and you're sitting there thinking heavily about something. What are you thinking about?

A. I'm going to take a creative liberty here and say that I gather from the mood of what you have just described that I am never, never coming back. In that case I am probably weeping and reflecting on everyone I have ever loved and am never going to see again. A recurring daydream that I have is that my mother and father have died and how utterly tragic it is that I am never, never going to see them again.

Q. Do you believe in life after death?

A. In a heartbeat. I am what I believe is described as a "double minded man" by one of The Apostle Paul's Epistles, or letters, in the Bible. I strongly believe in God, that the Universe has been architected by a perfect, loving and very present being, but my walk with Him/Her and my faith is in constant reconstruction, compromise and jeopardy due to my personal flaws and weaknesses.

Also, one of the primary themes of my episodes of mental illness has been that I am descending into Hell. By descending I do not mean that I am literally going down, but that the veils that exist between life and death are being lifted away gradually. It was as if I was having a six-month long nightmare while I was awake. Now, I understand that the "effects" I experienced can be more or less explained by defective neurochemical activity, but my very real and hard subjective experience still is that I was descending into Hell. That is very, very hard to shake, even if I had adequate motivation to shake it, which I don't.
*Note: I wish I didn't believe in Hell, but contrary experience enslaves me to this belief. But, yes, I am convinced that birth was not the beginning and that death is not the end.

Q. What is your most important song?

A. Ok. I have spent over 2 hours contemplating this question, and I can not come up with an answer. I don't think any of my songs are very important outside the fact that I have invested so much work and time into each one of them, and there are people out there who derive enjoyment from them. Other than that they are not that important in the grand scheme of things.

Q. What inspires you to write?

A. I am usually inspired to write lyrics by a combination of experience and the music I have composed. Now, explaining or describing from whence I am inspired to write the actual music is a much harder thing to do. I would say my music itself is inspired by other music. I used to study music really hard, both in school and on my own. I don't condone smoking pot, but when I did used to smoke it, my favorite thing to do was just to get in somebody's car, park somewhere, play some music at a good volume and just take it in - usually at night. I would start by just enjoying the music being played, but when something really caught my ear with its overall effect, I would both deconstruct it in my mind to do my best to figure out how it might have been done and take a mental snapshot of it so I could remember it for the next time I was alone with some recording equipment. Then I would try to recreate that emotional impact/effect, and maybe combine it with some others I had collected. The outcome would be this collage of other artist's ideas, but wasn't identifiable as anyone else's work because I had made it my own by using my own unusual chord progressions or production techniques, etc. So I would have to say what really inspires me to write is the drive and desire to achieve that feeling brought about by creating something intricate and powerful, all from the seeds of what other artists had done before. Anything could bring an idea. Anything from gangster rap to baroque classical.

Q. If you could be the moon or the sun or a thousand different stars, or the rain, or the thickest fog, which would you choose to be?

A. Definitely a thousand different stars. I know the sun is a star, but there is something about being spread out across the galaxy or even the universe as the beacons of life that guide our eyes at night to a place where we know we're not alone that appeals to me. I have always loved the night sky, that's one reason it is hard to live in Phoenix where I can only see like ten stars at night. I don't know if you've heard it, but the song "The Light In The Darkness" is basically about starlight.

Q. Tell me something that you've never told anyone else before.

A. Well, Serena, I feel really guilty doing this in your interview, because this is like one of the best questions, but I'm going to pass on this one. I'm a pretty talkative guy most of the time, so there are few things I haven't told anyone else, but those things that I haven't have been held back specifically because I do not want anyone else to know them. They are things I'm really ashamed of and therefore afraid to tell anyone. I'm really sorry.

Q. Do you believe there is life on other planets?

A. This is a tough one. I would say based on sheer odds that there must be life on other planets. Based on the number of stars that are known to exist, I would say that it is more unlikely that there is not life on other planets. But when it comes to extra-terrestrial encounters I am pretty skeptical.

Q. What is the first song you can ever remember hearing?

A. The first actual song I can remember hearing is "Angel of The Morning" by Merilee Rush. I was in my mom's station wagon as she drove us to the Masonic Temple so me and my sister could go to daycare and she could go to aerobics class. Another memory I have is one I think happened before the one I just described. Me and my mother are at the local community college and I'm sitting on her lap. A marching band is going by and the bass drum is vibrating my whole chest insanely. Being that I still remember that, it must have made a big impression on me. I remember being a little bit scared.

Q. What is the first song you can ever remember singing?

A. I must be about four years old, and my mom puts me in time out or nap time or something in my room. So I entertain myself by doing this vocal thing that is really hard to describe. It's like I have my mouth closed and my teeth clenched together and I'm vibrating my larynx and moving my tongue back and forth. It makes this noise like phase shifting or something. I thought it was cool. I did it for hours. Next my parents showed me how to use the tape recorder and the microphone, and I recorded this song that was like "Solid gold! I was told... to never put my hand in the car motor! Otherwise... I would cry... through my eyes!" I must have heard some "solid gold hits" thing or something and been inspired.

Q What is the last song you heard, or the song you're listening to right this second?

A. The song I'm listening to right this second is "Everything Means Nothing to Me" by Elliott Smith. I've got Figure 8 by him on repeat on the computer.

Q. Who is your favorite author? Or what is the greatest book you ever read?

A. I don't really have a favorite author these days, but for a long time it was Kurt Vonnegut. He could write these books that were insanely funny and simultaneously incredibly moving and poignant. He wrote a book called "God Bless You Mr. Rosewater" that really touched me.

Q. What would you like to see happening in your future? A year from now maybe? Maybe 20 years from now?

A. A year from now I would like to be on probation (I'm going through a legal process right now where the alternative is prison), working hard at and confident in my recovery from both drug addiction and mental illness, with a decent job that I have been able to hold for at least six months. Nothing glorious. To me the little things are glorious these days. 20 years from now who knows. I have this little fantasy where I am able to take care of my mother and father through the ends of their lives, but I have tons of work to do before I am going to be capable of that. I would like to get a college degree, at least a bachelor's.

Q. How long have you been writing songs?

A. Since I was about fourteen or fifteen years old. I'm 30 now, so that makes it a good fifteen years. I never really paid attention to musical instruments growing up until I was fourteen. My dad owned a Yamaha acoustic guitar that was hung on the wall as a decoration my entire childhood. I think he took it down once in that entire time. One day I was just kind of staring at it on the wall and thinking about it and finally said "Hey, dad? Can I take the guitar down and actually play it?" He gave me the go-ahead and I fell in love. I remember when I learned E Major and e minor, the first two chords I ever learned, I just sat there for hours switching back and forth between them and feeling enveloped in the mood that created, going from Major to minor and vice-verse. The first song I ever wrote was called "Sunshine" (not the Sunshine available in my current catalog) and all I knew was E, so I made up these other weird chordesque configurations. My fingers were'nt as advanced as my ear at that point (they never really caught up). I was sixteen and it was about whiskey.

Q. Would you like to talk about your family?

A. Woah. This could be the longest response of the interview. I'll try to be concise. My mother and father are my biological parents and they are still married, God bless them. I have two younger sisters, 29 and 24, and I am the oldest. Growing up was hard, not entirely because of issues within the family (though there were some), but because I made it hard. My father owned his own custom cabinet-building business in Seattle for a good 25 years or so. I didn't really know him growing up. I basically associated him with fear and discipline because anytime my mother couldn't handle my behavior, she called him at work and he would have the entire half-hour drive home to seethe about how pissed off he was that he had to come home in the middle of the day to whip his son into shape. We only got spankings, but it was still scary.

When a deadline was coming up on one of his jobs, sometimes he would take a sleeping back down to the shop and not come back for two or three days. This man worked too much. He also instilled a healthy fear of power tools in me at a very young age. I don't remember much about my mother, just that I loved her and that she was nicer than my dad. My sister Carly, the 29 year-old, was a regular target of my redirected resentment and had to endure my childish torture until we were in our teens when I think we mutually decided that our siblingship would be easier if we ceased to exist to each other.

My baby sister, Kelly, was my innocent little saviour growing up. She was beautiful. Intelligent, loving, cute. She loved Kermit the Frog. I became pretty rebellious from seventh grade up through tenth grade when my dad had to kick me out of the house for cussing him out and taking a swing at him. I didn't live with them for a good two years after that.

Nowadays things are just about the opposite of how they were growing up. My dad is pretty much my best friend. I jammed with him on bass the other day. I love my mom deeply. I suppose with my sisters things are more or less the same. I love Kelly to death, and though I love Carly we are still fairly distant.

I have to say about my childhood, it wasn't all bad growing up. For instance: I think it was my seventh birthday. There was this lake in Seattle that had an island that a person could take a paddle boat to. My parents planned this field trip for me and everyone that came to my birthday party. It was like this pirate treasure hunt where my dad went ahead of everybody and hid secret clues we had to find that were hints as to where the next clue could be found, that finally led to the island on the lake and the treasure, a bunch of gold coin-wrapped chocolates. What parents do something like that for their child? Upon reflection, my parents were pretty amazing.

Q. You were told you have a mental illness shortly before your 20th birthday. Do you believe this to be true? After you were told, do you think it changed you in some way? How did that make you feel?

A. I definitely believe I have a mental illness. I know that when I am taking the medication I am able to lead a relatively normal life, but that when I decide, for whatever reason, to cease taking the medication, within a month I am facing Hell again and can't help but be aggresive and afraid, and my life is a mess. I can't really say that being told I had a mental illness changed me so much as the damage that the mental illness itself did to me changed me. It humbled me.

When I was first told that I had a mental illness, and for several years after, all it really did was make me resent the doctors and my family and people who could lead a "normal" life. Being told I had a mental illness made me angry. For a long time I thought all a mental illness was was a way of subdueing and subjugating those who are eccentric, and that it was really just a myth. I have a very different view today.

Q. Where were you born? Do you live there now? Where do you want to live in the future?

A. I was born in Seattle, Washington. I no longer live in Seattle. I now live in Phoenix, Arizona, which can be an intense contrast to what I was used to in Seattle. Ideally, if I could rid myself of all my financial limitations and fears, I would live in a far away country in the future like China or Japan. But the possibility of doing that is looking very slim at the moment. I may travel, but I wouldn't be surprised if I die here in Arizona.

Q. If 20 million dollars fell from the sky and landed in your lap, what's the first thing you'd do with it?

A. Well, if it was cash, I'd throw it as far away from me as I could so I wouldn't get shot for 20 million dollars. But I would probably do some cliche thing like donate it to some charities or churches. I might by some recording equipment. That's alot of money.

Q. I am going to list a series of words. Tell me the first thing that comes to your mind as you see each of these words. (Feel free to say as much, or as little as you would like about each word. Or anything you don't want to talk about, you can skip.)

A.

Moon.

Woman. Mirror. Blue. The Moon is like the Mirror of The Sun.

Desire.

Sex. Unrequited love. Chocolate. Perfume.

Fire.

Light. Warmth. Burning eyes. Smoke.

Beautiful.

Angel. Perfect woman. Mother. Love.
Love.

Hate.

Red. Satan. Pain. Danger. Murder.

Q. Tell me what you want to say to the world.

A. I wish I was better. A better person.

Q. Tell me what you don't want the world to know, but you feel you need to say anyway.

A. That I'm guilty. I'm guilty of all the horrible things I've ever done and I can not take any of them back. Yes, I really did do that. Yes, I really did do this.

Q. What do you eat for breakfast?

A. If I have milk in the fridge, it's cold cereal. Honey Bunches of Oats with Peaches. Always. Every day for the last two years, ever since Honey Bunches of Oats with Bananas got discontinued.

Q. Tell me the story behind one of your songs. (or as many of your songs as you'd like to talk about)

A. I have this song called "The Only Light." The first half is this kind of cool poem, but the end is really long and annoying. The lyrics that are chanted over and over at the end came directly from a dream I had, a very vivid dream. What I remember about it is just being in this dark, dusty little room cramped with equipment and art supplies of various kinds. I am staring at this metal desk lamp, which is the only light in the room, and hearing a voice whisper over and over "Is not the lamp the only light for the lonely artist who works only at night..." No matter what I did, I could not move or look away from the lamp until I woke up. It lasted for like two or three minutes at least. I think I jumped out of bed and wrote it down and went right to work. I have another song called "Balloon Mind Blues." While I was recording it, I got to a point where I had all the music done, and had recorded the vocals for the chorus, but that was as far as I had gotten. So I burned that onto a CDR and put it on repeat on the CD player while I took a nap so I could get ideas for the verses. Once I fell asleep, I had this extremely wild and potent dream starring my cousin Karl (Blau - a songwriter in his own right, you should check him out). When I woke up my head was very heavy and everything seemed far away. The CD was still playing, but the lyrics to the chorus were completely different from what I had recorded! I was taken aback.

I went out to smoke a cigarette, and just kept listening to those mysterious lyrics on the chorus. I went in and wrote them down and that's how the lyrics for the chorus were written. That mysterious lyric-transforming chorus on the CD, though, eventually faded back to what I had sung and written at first. I guess it was just a temporary auditory hallucination from having slept so hard. I guess I didn't fully wake up for the first five minutes or something.

Q. What disturbs you? What makes you unhappy?

A. Satan. Satan deeply disturbs me. Everything he represents: Torture, death, massacres, rape, violence in general. Death. Always hanging something over my head.

Q. Flipping that over.... what makes you happy? What's the one thing (or things) that you can always look at, or listen to, or be with , or see.. that always makes you smile? In other words, what never fails you?

A. I hate to say this, but I am not yet at a point in my life where there is anything like that for me. I think I have a thawing heart (where warmth is a state of pure emotional self-access, and cold is a state of fear, withdrawal and isolation). I think my heart has been so frozen that as it thaws there are moments when I begin to feel happiness, but it doesn't quite warm my heart to the core. All my happinesses these days are tenuous. Sad but true.

Q. What are your thoughts on telepathy?

A. I personally don't believe it is possible. I've had many an experience where I was communicating telepathically with people, or at least picking up on their thoughts, and I now know it was a delusion/hallucination. I don't believe that humans were created to know what each other are thinking unless one voluntarilly expresses it to another one (with their actions).

Q. Where does the word "Coamhim" come from?

A. I've just about memorized the stock answer I used to give: "Coamhim is a bastardized version of the Gaelic for Kevin." The truth is that in seventh and eighth grade all I would listen to is rap, and I wished I was black. One day I was recording on 4-track, and I made a mix tape of my stuff. I didn't wan't to write "Kevin Atwood" on it. I have to laugh here, I'm not knocking you, Serena, but I didn't want to be "one of those people" who made music under their real names, like Dave Jones or Joe Smith or Mary Wilson. One of the things I loved about music was the escape from reality. I didn't have to be myself. So my mom had these two ceramic plaques in the house, one for me and one for my baby sister. They each had our name on them in Gaelic. My mom is only about half Irish, but she clings to her Irish heritage and considers it her ethnic identity. So the only ethnic bias we were raised with at all was Irish. Anyway, the Gaelic for Kevin was spelled something like "Coiamhim." A pretty smart friend of mine told me over the phone within the last few years that it is pronounced something like "Kay-hwin." To be shallow about it, I wanted to sound black so I could rap. It was a less-severe version of that racial/cultural identity crisis that occurred to alot of kids in the nineties, especially suburban white kids, of which I was one. So I dropped the "i" in the first syllable and pronounced it "Kwom-heem." I thought about pronouncing it "Kwah-heem," but that sounded way too "black." I was too shy to take it that far.

Q. How did you meet Drake Jurado? He seems to be a huge fan.

A. Drake is a good friend. I first met Drake when he was about 6 and I was about 16. He was my at-the-time girlfriend's younger brother. Maria would bring me home with her after school while her mom was still at work and Drake would beat my legs violently with a plastic baseball bat. That was probably good, because I shouldn't have been there. One time I remember playing Nintendo with Drake downstairs and kind of bonding with him, but I wasn't a very good boyfriend, or person, so I didn't treat Drake the way a young man should treat his girlfriend's younger brother. A couple of years after that Maria finally saw the light and broke up with me, so I didn't see Drake for a very long time. I talked to him in like 1999 on the phone trying to reconnect with Maria, and I was blown away by how cordial he was.

I didn't think he would really want to talk to me considering the havoc I wrecked on his family in his younger years, but the last thing he said during that conversation was "It's always a pleasure talking to you, man." Then in like 2005 I was on MySpace, I think I was just looking at Maria's profile, and I saw Drake on there so I wrote him a fairly honest and emotional email, and to my surprise he wrote me back eagerly. He heard some of my music and loved it. We've just kind of stayed in touch since then, despite the 1,500 miles between us.

Q. Any upcoming albums? Would you ever consider signing with a major label? Or a large scale indie label?

A. No upcoming albums. One of the banes of my musical career was trying to compose an album. I could never come up with the money for a professionally pressed CD. I tried.

Q. Do you play live?

A. I DID play live. I don't know if I would be able to do it anymore. Too much has happened. I never achieved the full-scale attack I wanted to achieve. They were just open mics. Just me and an acoustic guitar. With those limitations about half my repertoire was eliminated. I had alot of fun, though.

Q. What do you think 2009 holds for Coamhim?

A. For Coamhim, I hope 2009 holds a judge sentencing him to probation instead of prison, and I hope he can nail the lid on the coffin of the vampire that is his drug addiction. I also hope he quits smoking even though I don't see it happening. I know it's boring, and it's not really what you were looking for, but it's where I'm at.

Q. Is there anything else you would like to say?

A. I don't know if Drake has told you, but I am on hiatus from producing music. I don't know, in all honesty, if I will ever record music again or do another open mic, but I strum the guitar now and again. Music has been an adventure.

Hear the songs:

http://www.myspace.com/coamhim

http://www.myspace.com/coamhim2

http://www.tomlaw.com/coamhim.htm

"For You" (my own personal favorite)

It's a sad and beautiful world.

2008-10-07T23:11:00.013-05:00

I was going to write this very wonderful introduction to the Drake Jurado interview. I was going to talk about how he is this amazingly brilliant, nearly unknown film maker and I was going to tell you about how the world needs to know of his existence and his work. I was going to talk about the unbelievably haunting music he makes with his also-wickedly-talented brother Damien in their band called Hoquiam. I was even going to talk about how when you watch one of Drake's films you wonder how anyone could ever manage to create something so mysteriously peculiar and at the same time so beautiful that it honestly makes you hurt inside to watch it. But I think I'll just let him speak for himself.

I'm excited that I've also been granted an interview with the lovely Sarah Hansen, who is the captivating star of some of Drake's most intriguing videos. Sarah doesn't think she has fans. I'm here to prove that she does. She is the reason this needed to be a DOUBLE interview.

So now, let me paint you a story.

Imagine, if you will, that I am sitting in the back corner of a small coffeehouse in downtown Seattle on a breezy Tuesday afternoon in September. It's a quiet little cafe, and it's very pretty inside.

There are black and white landscape photographs delicately hanging in tiny purple picture frames which are gracing a dark blue wall. They're much like post cards, actually, but they are genuine photographs of the nearby sea taken by local photographers. The room smells like cinnamon and coffee, and there are tiny little candles flickering inside of old-fashioned mason jars that have been placed upon every table in the room.

It's unusually warm for Seattle in September... and the waitress has propped the door open with an old broom even thought the sky is tempting us with the possibility of evening rain. The fresh air lazily carries itself across the uncrowded room. A soft breeze flies over my fingertips as I pleasantly hold my cup of coffee and smile at my dear friend, Drake Jurado. I pull a notebook and a pencil out of my bag. He smiles back at me as he drinks an old fashioned bottle of Coca-Cola and taps his fingernails on the table. I ask him if he's ready to begin the interview and he nods, "Let's do it."

The inquisition begins:

Serena: So, tell me. How long have you been creating films? Did you just wake up one day and think to yourself, "Hey, I wanna make a movie." Or was it more complex than that?

Drake: Since I was 15. That was when I first started. I had just gotten out of surgery where I almost died and was feeling very close to death. And I had not even had a full recovery yet. To even move was painful. So I grabbed my camera and started to film. It was one of those "It's time" kind of things.

Serena: There appears to be great sadness in your work at times, and you portray it so beautifully. Does this sadness mirror your own personality?

Drake: My day to day personality, no. But my work does mirror what people don't see about me. What's hidden.

Serena: Tell me something interesting about your hometown.

Drake: I was born in Aberdeen WA. So let's see. Here's something not most know. When I was 3 years old. I Went into the KFC down in Aberdeen. Me and my siblings. And tripped and fell and broke the bridge of my nose on the metal door hinge as I was walking in. The interesting thing about it is that KFC is still standing. They show it in the movie "Kurt Cobain About A Son" which I own cause it's SO beautiful. The scenery in that movie goes all around Grays harbor Washington out where I was born. All around Aberdeen, Ocean Shores, Hoquiam, Montesano. If you have not seen that movie it's visually amazing. That's another thing, Mr. Cobain was born in the same town as me. I think In the same Hospital as well. That same year I was born my brother met and hung out with Kurt while he was working as a Janitor in a hotel called The Polynesian Resort. Damien had a friend who's dad owned the place. So that's how he met him.

Serena: How did you happen to start creating music with your brother Damien?
Drake: He asked.

Serena: What can people expect when they find themselves smack dab in the middle of a Hoquiam show?
Drake: I don't know I've never watched us play.
Serena: Well, I imagine it would be something beautiful.

(In fact, it might just look a little something like this:)

Serena: Do you consider yourself first a filmmaker or a musician?
Drake: I'm still trying to get used to even being called a musician so. . . a filmmaker. Drake Jurado: Gothic Filmmaker

Serena: Do you have a favorite film maker?
Drake: John Waters.

Serena: And what is your favorite John Waters film?
Drake: I don't have a favorite John Waters film. I love them all. I don't have a specific favorite.

Serena: Hmmm.. Well what was it about John Waters that made you want more John Waters?
Drake: What made me want more was just EVERYTHING about his movies. And so I dug deeper. And I found out more about him. Beyond his style of making movies. About him as a person, him as a filmmaker. Then I realized. This guy is my hero! And I eventually got to meet him. Twice as a matter of fact. The second time was even better cause I got to talk to him longer. John by FAR inspired me more than anyone.

Serena: What else inspires you to create?
Drake: Dreary weather, horror films, ex girlfriends.

Serena: When you turned 13, what were you listening to? What were you watching? Were you creating?
Drake: That age is a blur.

Serena: Do you see yourself staying in Seattle forever? Do you wish to travel?
Drake: Yes. I'd like to travel to Bellingham though.

Serena: If you could film any person of your choosing for a music video or otherwise (the person must be living right now) who might that be?
Drake: Udo Kier

Serena: Okay, same question as before, but this time you are allowed to travel back in time and film someone who has already passed away from this life. Who's it going to be?
Drake: Vincent Price

Serena: Where do you see yourself creatively 5 years from now?
Drake: Putting out a lot more films and music. Playing a lot more music. Making a lot more films. To have my work seen to a wider audience.

Serena: And if you weren't making films or music, what else would you be making?

Drake: Photos. I would be making photos. I still don't rule it out either. Mostly of course I would use women for these photos. But not like pinup or anything. Cause I get so bored with pinup. I seriously do. I think you can expand more creatively with no specifics to tie you down. And I just all around hate the idea of suicide girls. I just do. It wouldn't be . . . . It would just be different. It would be more on the fringe. I would like to take some and probably will in the future just to give you an example of what I'm talking about. But I don't know. I have thought of calling the first series if I were to present them at an art show. I would call that specific show "The Day I Executed The Pinup."

It would be new. And it would be different. I hate repeats. This is not to say that I don't enjoy old pinup photos. I love old ones. And I respect it a great deal. Just new ones I can't stand. I find them too fake. Plus mostly it's all the same poses and facial expressions. Lacking in many areas such as emotion, tone, mood among other things.

Bottom line. Creatively I would never do one of those.

Be on the look out for my set though cause one day it's gonna happen. They wouldn't be just photos. They would be more than that.

I'm sure there's a lot of people out there now saying "Everything's been done." "No such thing as different." That's cool. You think that. Go for it. To you maybe.

To me that's like people telling me that my music is "acoustic music" or it's "indie" or it's "Folk" or something like that. Whenever anyone asks me "What kind of music do you play?" I have no problem answering to them "Grays Harbor Washington". They might not get it of course. But they asked. And so I answered. They might get mad or frustrated. But I always tell them that I'm just being honest.

Serena: Have you ever considered creating drakejurado. com?
Drake: No.
Serena: I think it would be a nice idea. Tell me something you want your fans to know about you.

Drake: Bobby Boris Pickett died on my 20th birthday. I would say that means something to me.

Serena: You have 11 minutes to live. What do you do?
Drake: Hope to god that a very pale well dressed guy named Marius knocks on my door and gives me an offer I can't refuse. But if not then I'll make a phone call then with the last remaining minutes I would go outside, put my sunglasses right beside me and I would have a can of coca cola and then hum whatever tune I have in my head at the time.

Serena: What's your middle name?
Drake: My middle name is Erin.

Serena: You get to sit alone in a quiet room with one person - dead or alive - for 20 minutes. No talking is allowed.. just sitting. You get to pick who it is. Who do you choose?
Drake: Andy Warhol

Serena: You get to sit alone in a quiet room with one person - dead or alive - for 20 minutes. Talking is absolutely required.. You get to pick who it is. Who do you choose?

Drake: Gerard Way. No joke. I think we would have a lot to talk about. Like a very theatrical person who knows his horror films on top of that. He has these 3 dimensional alter egos that he can turn on and turn off. I'm the same way to be honest haha. The main thing I would want to discuss with him the most would be "The Golden Age Of Horror" Karloff, Lugosi, Cheney Jr. We would have much to discuss. So yea, I think that would be very interesting.

Serena: Tell me about something beautiful from your past that haunts you and helps you create. What typically motivates you to pick up a camera and start filming?

Drake: What motivates me. . . that's for me to know and you never to find out. But something that haunts me. Here's something that can best describe. Right on the money.
The one that got away as they say. I live in a haunted house.

[At this point, Drake whips open his laptop and plays a video.]

Serena: Flipping that last question over.. Tell me about something beautiful you'd like to see in your future.
Drake: The demolition of the haunted house.

Serena: Do you believe in destiny and fate and all that jazz?
Drake: At times. But not all.

Serena: Do you have a favorite band?
Drake: Without question it's a band called Coamhim. (pronouced Kwam-heem). The one man band Coamhim. Artist Kevin Atwood and the 5 documented senses. He is a reclusive artist from Seattle who has a mental illness. Then he moved to Arizona where he has since been in and out of psychiatric wards, group homes and halfway houses. In between he recorded these albums. They are just Brilliant! I have his entire anthology. He mailed it to me. His music by far beats any band that I have ever heard in my life.

EDIT 11/22/08
I asked Drake to tell me what song he would be, if he were a song.
He answered "The Average Man" by Coamhim.
(video below)

Serena: Picture yourself locked in a dark room with your eyes closed. I say the word "blue". What do you see in your mind?

Drake: The moon. and moonlight. Me standing under it. In this film I play a regular Mr. Lonely. Well. . . that's too Bobby Vinton. So I always thought this character I play is more of a "Lonesome Jim" if anything. (Yes, I've thought of this before). The point is that the moon is as lonely as I am. Probably the only one who understands. Obviously, the film is about a girl. But not just any girl. I'm talking THE ONE. The film itself is more of a moonlight lonesome midnight stroll in a secluded back street in a vacant suburb.

And so the film starts. And it's a blank black screen until words pop up. The words say "November 19th 2:25am" so this is more of a reflection of the night prior. So he obviously stayed up cause he couldn't sleep. And is feeling more of a longing.

And these songs automatically come to mind for the soundtrack.

Drake: It's a very emotional film. Again. It's not just a film. It's not just art. It's more than that. It just speaks for itself. If you close your eyes. You can see it unfold.

Serena: If you disappeared today, what do you think people would remember most about you?
Drake: Drake was that tall skinny guy who wore those dark sunglasses everywhere.

Serena: What would you want them to remember most about you?
Drake: Just me in general. Who I was. And what I was like. My mind. How I thought. The mind is a big one. That's what I want people to really remember.

Serena: What would you want them to forget?
Drake: My eyes if they ever saw them.

Serena: You've gone back in time and you're sitting at a table in the middle of a small kitchen. Where are you? How far back in time did you go? Who is there? What are you doing? Tell me a story:

Drake: I'm in a kitchen. It's small. But it's there. I am sitting at a table. It's purple. I look at the daily newspaper to see what the news is for the day. Seattle times is talking about yesterdays news about Microsoft releasing Windows 3.0 . . I could care less. I then say to myself "that's no news". The corner says the date. May 23rd 1990. A girl in a nurse outfit comes in and makes coffee. I notice her badge. Turns out I'm in Stevens Hospital. I feel like hanging out here all day.

I pause for a moment to reflect on the story Drake just told me. I wonder what it means as I take another long sip of what must be the most delicious cup of hazelnut coffee I've ever had in my life. Drake's phone rings and he excuses himself to answer it. After he hangs up he tells me that Sarah Hansen is on her way to meet us. This wonderfully delights me, as I can't wait to meet her. Sarah is the beautiful and mysterious star of several of Drake's creations, such as this magnificent music video for his brother Damien, which is called "Montesano". (You'll see Drake in this video as well)

{If you only ever watch one Drake Jurado film, this might be the one.}

Serena: In one word, describe Sarah Hansen.
Drake: Surreal.

Serena: Surreal. And why do you say that?
Drake: I say that because she has this certain thing about her that transforms my films into more than just films. They, as well as her, become dream-like. She, as well as my films, have this beautiful sadness to them.

Serena: What is it like to work with Sarah?
Drake: AMAZING! I would NEVER replace her. She's my best kept secret. My own star. In fact. Her first name that I had for her was The Video Girl. But she has this quality about her that I can only describe as The Girl. When we're making movies together I know that the outcome of the film is going to be beautiful. She is everything that is a Drake Jurado film. She has this beautiful sadness about her that keeps the tone of the project that we're working on at balance. When we make these movies there's a certain feel in the room. A mood. And I like to keep that mood and preserve it during the whole shoot. So in order to do that it's mostly just me and her with nobody else around for distraction. To me it's like when we make movies. Everything clicks creatively.

In our second video, "Montesano", when you first see Sarah clearly. That is one of those moments.

Or the VERY last glimpse you see of Sarah in our first video Amateur Night.

Working with Sarah Hansen is a blast. And I intend to bring her back to my films very soon. The Return Of Sarah Hansen.

Serena: How did you first meet her?
Drake:I first met Sarah on the bus. we were on the same bus route going home from school. I asked her if I could sit by her and she said yes. So then I Introduced myself into her life.

Serena:How did "Amateur Night" come about?
Drake:I wanted Sarah right from the start for Amateur Night. I knew she was perfect for what I saw when I closed my eyes and listened to that song. After I shot the flashlight scene, which was the first scene we filmed. I paused for about a minute and said "This is the most beautiful thing I have shot in a LONG time. . . . Wow!" I didn't shoot anything for over a year and a half. I just couldn't pick up a camera and commit to a project. I was creatively dry. Until that night when I shot Amateur Night. After I shot that scene and I paused for about a minute again. The words that came from my mouth were "I'm Back". Drake Jurado was back. That was the start of EVERYTHING for me. It's still one of my favorites.

And it has SO many undertones and meanings to it. Most of which I will never explain to anyone. It has SO many hidden meanings. SO many layers. It goes very deep. That video was IT.

As if on cue, Sarah walks quietly through the door. She says a warm hello and sits down. She orders a caramel mocha and smiles sweetly as I ask her if she's ready to answer my questions. "Sure," she says. The waitress brings me my second cup of coffee and as I sit my cup back down on the table I begin to talk.

Serena: So, Sarah... in one word, describe Drake Jurado.
(Sarah stares at Drake for a moment and then looks back at me intensely.)
Sarah: Damned.
Serena: Damned? And why do you say that he is damned?
Sarah: I know saying drake is damned sounds... harsh and maybe unexpected but I find him to be damned in the sense that he can never get away from his thoughts and visions. As though reality is so unappealing that he traps himself in his own version of what things should be.

Serena: If you were directing a film, what's the one thing you'd without a doubt need to see in it, reglardless of the type of film it is?
Sarah: I have no idea. Really. I suppose I would have to set the film in the 1950's or 60's.

Serena: What were you like in high school?
Sarah: In highschool I was something of a cliche. Quiet book worm that spent most of the time in the art department.

Serena: What do you want your fans to know about Sarah Hansen?
Sarah: Fans? I dont think i really have fans. Theres not much for people know.

Serena: Can you tell me something most people don't know about you, that you wouldn't mind sharing?
Sarah: I watch the history channel a good amount. Even if the topic isn't something I find of great interest, I still believe it's good to educate one's self.

Serena:You're walking down a gravel road. You've seen no cars for miles and suddenly, as fate would have it, a white horse rides up and the person riding it tells you to get on and you'll be taken to the location of your choosing. It's you're favorite superstar. Who is it? Where do you go next?
Sarah: If someone road up on a white horse, famous or not, I probably would decline and keep walking to where ever i was heading.

Serena: If you were a movie, what movie would you be?
Sarah: If I were a movie I think I would be White Oleander. The main girl goes through many stages of life and in the end finds where she really wants to be. I think I can relate in a way.

Serena: What song would you be?
Sarah: If i were a song? Hm... thats tough. Probably "Wine" by M. Ward. I dont know why. Perhaps it's just because I fancy it.

Serena: So... what's it like to work with Drake Jurado?

Sarah: Working with Drake is an adventure. Ideas are thought of on the spot and sometimes it gets crazy. But drake really knows what he wants in a shot and I think many people dont really understand the hidden message. There always seems to be one.

Serena: If I said "Sarah, I dare you to do something crazy." Would you do something crazy?
Sarah: Hm.. I suppose it would depend on what I had to do. I'm really shy.

Serena: What's your middle name?
Sarah: Adriane

Serena: What inspires you?
Sarah: Passion, hate, loneliness, despair, songs by animal collective, a lily, Joanna Newsom, and other artists.

Serena:Do you believe in destiny and fate and all that jazz?
Sarah:I don't.

Serena:If you disappeared today, what do you think people would remember most about you?
Sarah: How blunt I can be, I'm sure that's what most would remember.

Serena:What would you want them to remember most about you?
Sarah:What they liked most of our friendship. But if we weren't friends, I suppose it doesnt matter then does it?

Serena:What would you want them to forget?
Sarah:I wouldn't want them to forgot any of it. Positive or negative, I would want them to remember it all.

Serena:You're locked in a dark room with your eyes closed. I say the word "blue". What do you see in your mind?
Sarah:Cookie monster, then follows the song 'Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar..."

Serena:Have you lived in Seattle your whole life?
Sarah:indeed just outside of seattle in little shoreline

Serena:Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
Sarah:I'll either have a kid who I'll make finger paintings with and resite poetry to or I will be living alone finally having time to read Tolstoy's War and Peace. I suppose we'll have to see, right?

Serena:Which talent do you think is your most magnificent? In other words, what's your passion?
Sarah:I don't think I have a particular talent.
I believe I have much to improve on to call any of the things I do talent worthy.

Serena: Okay guys, I'm about to flip a coin that gives you super powers. Heads you fly. Tails you have the power of becoming invisible when you so choose. The coin flies up in the air.. Are you wishing for heads or tails?

Sarah: I think i would be hoping for tails. The thought of flying bothers me, wind makes your eyes all teary and im sure it would be cold. Not my style.
Drake: Tails. I would never have to pay to see a movie again!

Sarah laughs at Drake's answer and tells us that she must be on her way soon, but she says she has time for one more question. I lean forward a little bit as I ask Sarah the last question.

Serena: Will you tell me about something that makes you smile?

Sarah: What makes me smile is seeing others around me content. Also, foggy mornings.

And on that note, Sarah Hansen bids farewell. Drake says that it's almost time for him to go as well, and we prepare to leave.

Serena: Is there anything else you want people to know about Drake Jurado?
Drake: You don't need to know much about Drake Jurado. I make films and I play music. Anything else just isn't relevant. If you want to know more about me as an artist, well then here you go.

I drop my notebook back into my bag and gaze up at the photographs on the wall for a moment. The rain starts to fall and I sarcastically ask my last question, not really expecting an answer.

"What is the meaning of life, Drake? Do you know?"

Drake stares down for a moment. He types a few things into his laptop and brings up a video. As he begins to play this video he looks me dead in the eye and with a very wise tone to his voice he says the following words.

"It's a sad and beautiful world."

Indeed. It really is.

Visit Sarah Hansen at myspace.

Visit Drake Jurado at myspace.
Watch Drake Jurado's films
Hear the music of Hoquiam

Watch the "Hiding Ghosts" video. I adore this video.

ADDED 11/22/08

You should watch Drake starring in the Damien Jurado "Caskets" video.
It's something to see. Haunting.

Damien Jurado, "Caskets" (Uncensored) from Thinklab on Vimeo.